Biting the Hand

I slept till almost 2pm this afternoon, mostly because I was up till 4am waiting for my heart to stop braking. It's been a month since I've had a bad episode and it felt really good to seem normal for once. The last three days have been mental hell. Right now, I feel exhausted and I can't stop shaking - its from the meds I took for my asthma. My chest gets tight whenever I get stressed out, or there is a spiritual problem in my life. I've been able to narrow it down to certain triggers, none of which I ever have control over.

My email box is full again, with messages from an unknown. I've been here before, wanted to reach out, wanted to step outside of all this mess...this time is different. This time the wounds go deeper and the pain is more in control then ever; hiding it is only effective at work; I don't have to try so hard at home, the denial my family adores takes care of it for me.

There is a woman who wants me to be her best friend; she posted her number on my blog last night in hopes I might call her. The last time we spoke I felt nothing but sick after I hung up the phone. I'm tired of being put under other peoples expectations, and feeling like I'm worthless. what I hate the most about today, is knowing that whatever I feel, think, do, or say can't be trusted...in 48 hours or less it might all change and I'll feel like taking on the world. I've been trying to monitor what changes, when and how it changes...it's so sporadic i can't keep good records - blogs are my only way to keep track; I guess that is why I have so many of them. One for every mood, and one more for hiding them.

I wanted to take drugs today, i haven't desired them in years now - this will be my sixth year being sober. I took my vitamins D last night - I take it to keep my nails and hair strong - mentally I wanted to pretend it was something stronger. I started drinking heavy amounts of caffeine, it makes me sleepy if I drink too much; the right amount helps me concentrate. That mixed with the insomnia and I've been able to keep myself pretty docile. Tomorrow I have to work, so I'll have to shape up for two days so no body sends me to the ward again. That place was awful...I thought for sure the guy in B6 was going to come into my room and rape me. I refused to take a shower for that reason.

I don't know wether to be broken, or try to keep pushing forword. I'm lost.