Well, I went into a relapse today. I wasn't expecting it. Fortunately I was able to stay away from the good stuff. The depression was strong, and it's still hitting me. Tomorrow is my second day off and I'm glad because I feel like sleeping. Honestly, I would love to get out of the house and just chill with somebody, but I have no one to call. Time to get a life I suspect.
I wrote in my journal and am still considering whether or not to post it. The guilt is so overwhelming lately I can't get rid of it. I keep trying not to use the work 'I' too much because supposedly it's a bad thing...well fuck you all for telling me that, because I can't think of anyone else to write about at the moment! I'm pissed off at the world, and mad at myself. I fucked myself two nights ago for no reason other then I had an insatiable sex drive and it wouldn't quit. Having no man at my disposal left me in a predicament, and it sucked. So I took care of it myself, and I'm sick of feeling like it's a sin! Holy Shit! I figured out today, that I do think I'm bad, I really believe it. I see myself as dirty and nothing more then a piece of ass. No man has ever wanted me for anything else, so I figured that is all there is of me. It's getting in the way of too much in my life - I feel like putting an add out there for the wealth of men available in the world saying, "Harlot Retired. Needs strong male libido. Must provide own Ring and income."
Most of my girlfriends all have no problem being with guys, or if they do hide it extremely well. I on the other hand, had to be the victim of every drive by fucking in creation. Not to mention it happened so often I got used to it and even started liking it. Hell don't judge me, if the only attention you ever get is the back of a hand, or the tip of a dick, you learn to take what you can get! No therapist gets that, they all expect me to be some innocently driven, grace motivated, sweetly dispositional young lady. Well sorry to disappoint. When I get married the only time I want to hear my husband tell me he wants to make love to me, is after he's fucked me so hard it'll hurt if he's not gentle the fourth time around. I need a man who can handle all my shit, who doesn't mind sharing his, and who isn't afraid of a little drama now and then - but doesn't act like an ass when it comes. I'm not asking for perfection, if I were I'd be asking myself first; and trust me I do. But with him, I'd let him walk all over me before I stood up for myself, so he's got to be the right thing going in, or it'll all go to hell.
...more to come
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